Keep - Sharon Van Etten

Keep still so I can find you at your whim.
Breathe slowly so I can breathe with you.

Leave me alone, 
We all want to feel at home.
Find me sleeping, 
My inner dialogue's a drone.
Keep... 

Don't cry for me, 
I can't either.
I can't weep.
Remember these moments, 
They're all we have 
And all I can keep.
Caught in a lie I want 
You to keep me to yourself.

Keep running deep under my skin I want to shed.
Don't keep it in keep it on the thinnest of all threads-
And I won't break you, no, no... 

*

for Gigi and Jiankai.

i cannot honestly say that i knew Jiankai all that well. the number of times we've hung out could probably be counted with the fingers on my hands. but he was markedly different from Gigi's former boyfriends - more studious, more quiet, more serious, more intent on helping Gigi stay on the stable path. i last saw him on the Tuesday before he died. we were having a birthday dinner for Van at Saveur. i hadn't expect Jiankai to be amongst our number, but there he was, clad in a intricately patterned cardigan. he told me he got it from Bangkok when i admired it. all throughout our dinner, Gigi and Jiankai were loving, but never overtly blatant or in your face about it. when i ordered the foie gras, she consulted him, but he demurred. each action was gentle and considerate, you could see it.

i'll remember that we were all about to dive into the citrus-based dessert but jokingly held back for Jiankai to snap a shot of it so he could upload it onto Instagram. he was always the photographer on the occasions that he joined us. i dont know if he ever got round to uploading that photo but i'll remember that he was there with us that night. i don't know if you were unhappy or troubled, Jiankai - you seemed the picture of the devoting partner ever ready to place a steadying hand around Gigi, and i'm truly sorry if i was too dense or inattentive to pick up on it.

but you were there, on monday morning, when i had to go back to camp. the irrevocable fact that you were gone, gone - it wandered round my head bitterly, round and round. i don't know why, but it kicked in harder on monday morning than on saturday, when we first heard the news, disbelieving, or on sunday night, when we attended the funeral.

it seemed the world ought to be suspended. one never thinks such matters would ever occur. it was something to read about in the papers, to sympathise from afar, to mull over temporarily. with one flip of the page, the news goes on to the next tragedy occurring in Uganda, in Somalia, in some far away place that while occupying the same planet, seemed alien and sequestered, contained to that very page.

i found myself fretting over what to wear to your funeral, Jiankai, if you can comprehend that. i was having difficulty in finding something black to wear. while i was trying on clothes, the thought came suddenly - WHAT WAS I DOING?

after all, what were clothes compared to a permanent absence of someone you knew? a person was dead, was irretrievably gone, gone to where no one really knew - how could i still function normally, still ascribe meaning to such mundane matters?

even now, i am unable to cry. perhaps it's because i do not know you well enough, Jiankai. i don't get the chance to know you anymore, except perhaps through Gigi, who has started to share with us more anecdotes of the times you two spent together, of your habits, your tics. it is a filtered knowledge we've gained about you, that is true, and i do not think we will ever get to know the entire truth. perhaps you would not have wished us to know either. but thank you for being kind to Gigi, for loving her. in return, we got to accept your friendship, brief as it was. i do not know of your musical tastes, though i could probably hazard a guess or two, but i hope you like the song. it came through the night we  first knew, entitled "Track 2". i was desperate to uncover the name, and when i eventually unearthed the name and googled the lyrics, it seemed suitable. i'm sorry i can't give you more, but whenever i hear this song, i will hold it to your name.

please, rest in peace and do not worry, we will take care of Gigi in your stead. i hope you are happy and free on the other side. there's not much else to be said, but thank you for extending a hand of friendship to me.